Today I spent a great deal of time reflecting on the past 6 years--it is getting close to the time we found out about a baby in utero to be born with a very serious heart disease. We had NO IDEA WHAT WE WERE GETTING OURSELVES INTO!!! We had no idea how our hearts would grow, how our faith would change from that of knowing to experiencing, independence to complete surrender. We thought we had things figured out, our kids were doing well, our life was pretty cushy, our marriage was loving. Life was good. Today...it's better! Way better!!! One little gift, a perfect present from God, was to be handed to us. Included in this sweet life were a huge variety of unknowns--from diagnoses to specialists, from hospitals to heartaches--we were getting on the ride of our lives.
As I read through much of Gracie's journal these past days, I was looking for one entry in particular. You see, Gracie started kindergarten today!! Six years ago that was a possibility, 5 years ago that was an impossibility, 4 years ago that was highly unlikely, and just last year at this time--not even discussed. I read the words from 5 years ago bawling my eyes out. We were told it was time to prepare for a short-term plan--at times, an extremely short-term plan.
There were a couple of weeks that I struggled greatly after that horrific surgery in March of 2007. She survived, but they couldn't get her to breathe--sort of a huge issue. We spent a lot of time at the hospital --nearly 4 months with Gracie on the ventilator. We'd have days where things would look good, then look horrible--all along we were given very little hope for any sort of future. She had several times where her heart stopped for long periods of time--we were told to prepare for a short life.
On April 3 of 2007 I wrote "I am not only wanting Gracie home, but wanting so much more for her than that. That explains the pain and the desperation. I do want many things for Gracie--I'm human with a heart that desires good things for my children. I want her to wake up yelling Mommy, I want her to play in the grass in the sunshine, I want to take her to Disneyworld, I want her to go to kindergarten, be in a silly play, laugh until it hurts, eat ice cream, have a crush, fall in love, even be a little sassy. I'd be dishonest if I told you that I never worry about her future--I don't want to go there, but there are many times I do. I want to be her mommy for a long, long time. If God chooses otherwise, I will be very sad, but I will also know heaven awaits us both."
On that little list, she's done them all--well, except for fall in love--maybe, sort of. She has a pretty big crush on a certain little 6 year-old!! Her life has not been defined by her diagnosis--not one bit! If you know Gracie, she is the life of the party!! And she's a KINDERGARTNER and so stinkin' proud of it!!
Sometimes I believe it's good to look back--we don't want to get stuck in the past, but we can certainly use it to remind us of all God has done! He is good and He has blessed our family tremendously with a sweet little princess with a toothless grin and an extremely unique and amazing heart. I cannot imagine this life without my little Gracie Cakes!! When those sweet little hands are grabbing onto mine, when her teeny little lips pucker up for a good-morning kiss, when she asks for the 10th time each day if I still love her even though she did another bad thing...my heart skips a beat!
As many moms were pretty sad bringing their little ones to kindergarten today, my eyes welled up with tears of joy, she is living life!!!!
